Tough Love

After two weeks of working at home - I've vowed not to say I'm not working, because what I'm doing? mothering while fitting in cash jobs and fiction is work - I'm rediscovering why I have worked at job these past few years.

It's because being a mother at home is the hardest job at all. It is. I always knew that cognitively but here I am facing it as a day-to-day reality, and to say that it is a challenge is putting it oh so very mildly. There is great satisfaction in getting dressed and leaving the house and having a day that's bisected neatly into morning, lunch hour, afternoon, coffee break and so on. A job gives you structure and everything fits nicely into slots. But mothering?

Mothering has no structure and my personality demands it while simultaneously not knowing how to create it. I know how to advise a junior writer and make suggestions about an article. I know how to collaborate with a graphic designer on a layout. What I don't know how to do is tell my daughter how not to get aggravated by my son when they are playing a game, even though he can be intensely aggravating. I don't know how to reprimand my children in a positive way so they get the lesson I am trying to impart without the anger and irritation. And I don't know how not to get worked up nor how not to lose my temper - worse, I don't know how to remember in time how to hold my tongue before seeing too late how a sharp reprimand has such a negative impact. Forget every day being a learning experience - every hour is.

Working at a job with defined skills was an easy escape. These days, I am confronted by the reality of not just having to raise my children, I am also having to raise myself. It takes a lot of love - and it's not romantic or easy. It's hard and steely bracing - even when it needs to be soft and yielding and understanding. Here it is, what I've been escaping - tough love and a job that I not only have to do, I have to remember I want to do because it will not just pay off in the long run, it will pay off with every hour and every day that passes.

On Page 1

I have a discount card for Kinokuniya and for Border's and for a long time, here in Singapore, that would pretty much cover it. But now there's Page One at Vivo City - and for some reason, it has all the books I want. Last Sunday, I stopped resisting the pull and gave in. I bought Jane Smiley's 13 Ways of Looking at the Novel. Am on the second chapter and it's just wonderful stuff. In the midst of it, I decided. It's time to stop looking at the novel. And start writing it.

On tasting carrots for the first time

after being prodded incessantly, my son said, grudgingly, "It has possibilities."

Best Press We've Had In A While

"Manila is a cool city."
- Quentin Tarantino in Manila for his new movie Dead Proof premiere

The Life of A Temp

I used to temp in the greatest city of all - the big Apple. It was the summer of 1991 - and all I had was one pair of hush puppies that I wore everday, to every job. I had one suit - a navy Auggie Cordero and one pair of black slacks. In the span of two and a half month, I worked at three different buildings. My first temp job was for a division at HBO in the HBO building, right by Bryant Park on 6th Avenue. That was just three days. Then I worked for a whole week at Saks on Fifth Avenue, in the marketing department. The last stint was something I was very thankful for because the personnel agency said they wanted someone for the rest of the summer, which meant that I wouldn't have to go traipsing around the city for anymore jobs. It was an assistant job for the Japanese company, ANA Hotels, which was on the third floor of one of the towers of the fabulous Rockerfeller Center. There were only four of us in the office, and I was in charge of taking reservations for the different hotels in Asia. It was a nice easy job, and in between, I wrote stories for the second year of my fiction program in Bowling Green. It was a glorious summer, and apart from the delights of the city, the best part was walking into an office - doing a job - and just like that... walking out again.

Here I am 18 years later - and it's time to temp again. Today I worked at one of the other publishing companies located in a building in Singapore I had never been in before. It was nice, but it wasn't the Rockerfeller Centre. The best thing?

Being able to walk in...and just like that, walking out.

My new favourites... H's....

...
City Hong Kong
It's big and bustling and busy and yet still so visitor-friendly. It's a great city for walking and exploring, shopping and (need I say it?)eating.
Restaurant Hu Tong, One Peking Road, Kowloon
Yum yum yum. First of all there's the view of the Hong Kong island skyline. And just as first of all - the food itself - work of culinary art. The crispy lamb - words fail me. And the way the sauce adds new dimension, further enhanced by finely minced garlic. The mere memory makes my mouth water. Fearing we would go overboard, we restricted ourselves to veggie dishes - the string beans in minced pork - always a hit. But the big surprise was the asparagus with salted fish, mainly because the salted fishes were not just tiny flakes but whole fish laid on a bed of bright green perfectly cooked asparagus. And then there was dessert - coconut ice cream with toasted coconut plus pear and white fungi...the a fitting end to a meal that can only be described as perfection.
Store H&M
It is a wonderful place to rummage through and not only do you find something you want every other minute - you find it in your size and at worth-it prices, too. PLUS - there's a cool kiddie section. I'm still a fan of Giordano Ladies - but I will always have a soft spot in my heart for H&M and am so glad it's in Hong Kong.

When do we go back to Hong Kong, that's my question...

Take 4

It's funny how my life seems to be cyclical. Circumstances have presented themselves in ample amounts so as to be enough to persuade me that the freelance life is once again the way to go. It feels different though this time. This time feels more right than it has before. Time will tell.

Brothers and Sisters

It's always interesting to watch a new TV drama series. L and M gave me Brothers & Sisters awhile back and I just started it. Unfortunately, Calista Flockhart still irritates me no end. I can't believe that a decade ago I was quite infatuated by her. Not only that, the plot - outwardly normal happy family besieged by dysfunction - is not especially unexpected. In fact,it's rather banal.But but but - two episodes in, I continue to watch. If only for Sally Field who plays the mother and who has lovely scenes. If only the writing improves and the plots become more inventive. We shall see.

The decision

She is made.

Plan

We are approaching that time when a decision has to be made. Only when you know what you want can you make it happen. So first things first. What do you want?

In another HDB flat in Toa Payoh

...you can spend a pleasant day with colleagues doing a shoot - that is, when you work at a magazine. As someone who began working in the industry at the text stage as opposed to the ground level - sourcing, styling, products, photography stage - I find this completely new and somewhat therapeutic. Don't get me wrong. I was always aware that shoots took place in theory, but was very rarely involved in them. It is funny to be starting now. Here such questions are posed as - "how should we shoot this little vial of lip balm?" Or "How can we make this cheesy packaging look somewhat better?". Of course, there is a photographer who will hopefully be as cheery, good-natured and companionable as the one we are working with today. Hopefully, you will be spending the time with colleagues whose company you enjoy or even who you genuinely like as individuals. And the goal is that you get as many of the pictures you need done and done well. It is interesting in that it's a break from the humdrum atmosphere of the office, you get to dress down and be relaxed yet still in "work mode" and with any luck, there will be good gossip and pizza. There are a lot worse ways to spend a working day.

And at the end of it - you see lovely pictures - which are of course, the heart and soul of this business. Worth a thousand words.

Oh where oh where

has this weekend gone? A lot of naps - thank goodness. A return to choir. Friday night dinner, ice cream and a bookstore browse. Ferrying kiddies to birthday parties. Lunch by the river. Household weeding and an early evening bite at the mall where T and I successfully resisted a Calvin Klein sale - and went for Japgelato instead. Today, it was all about sticking together in gray and rainy weather (Sorry Sash...but if it's any consolation, it's not like I would have bought anything either). What lies ahead? Decisions. That, and some good old fashioned exercise....

In a 3rd floor flat of an HDB complex in Serangoon

...at the hands of a Chinese woman who spoke as much English as I speak Mandarin, I had a manual lyphatic drainage massage, ear candling with Chinese herbs combined with a facial massage and naval candling combined with more tummy toxin drainage massage. Basically, I had to research post-treatment to even be able to list down what I had.

It was awesome.

First day

K and C have started school and they're happy as campers. Despite a very long day that began at 7am end had them reaching home by 5:30 (that's longer than some people's working day and they didn't even get the two hour lunch!) they were highly upbeat.

K said, with judicious equanimity, that it was "more fun" than her old school. C said it was..."the best day of my life."

Our hope is that this new environment with its diverse student body and its equally diverse teaching body combined with its significantly lower class-to-teacher ratios will only be good them, helping them to learn all they can learn, discover their full potentials and start the process of becoming the best versions of themselves.

While it was a tough decision to make, what with the various implications, not the least of which is financial - it feels today, the very first day, that we made the right one.

Not at all surprising

Just skimmed through a news item on Yahoo. There's apparently scientific proof that two species of human beings existed on this earth at the same time - one being more evolved and the other much less so.

Now why on earth should this surprise anyone, may I ask? I'm almost positive this continues to this day. It would account for quite a lot, I think.

Rediscovering Jean Webster

What is it about me these days that I am constantly seeking solace, comfort and pleasure in the books of my youth. Using K as a willing pretext, I've been rekindling the flame I had with Lucy Maud Montgomery and her Anne that too few young girls are reading these days, perhaps because we all live in such complicated times. Anne is too quaint and Green Gables is too old fashioned and Montgomery's prose will likely prove too flowery at for the modern day gal. Get to the point, I imagine them saying. Strangely, K is surprisingly compliant and even receptive - I guess reading aloud helps - I'll warrant I have winning diction.

My rally to modern women today is to acquaint themselves with the pleasures of LM Montgomery and discover the Anne books and the copious joys within. Even if it were just for the first three - Gables, Avonlea and Island.

But I digress. We were talking about Jean Webster.

Browsing in a Bangkok Kinokuniya, I chanced upon a new edition of Webster's Daddy Long Legs which is accompanied by another epistolary novel I was not even aware she had written: a much lesser known tome called Dear Enemy which spins off a Daddy Long Legs character in much the same way Frazier was spun off from Cheers or Lou Grant was spun off from Mary Tyler Moore Show. And it is another epistolary romance. Since my own aborted novel was partially epistolary - I take great interest in the re-reading of this and the first reading of the new. I felt like I had landed a goldmine, some buried treasure that I had not even known existed. Think for awhile what it would be like to see Starwars and go away never knowing that the sequels were even made.

The sheer pleasure of the fact alone is enough to make a girl giddy.

These novels were written in 1912 and 1914. Webster has wonderful turns of phrase and there is a richness and a texture in her language that is inextricably tied to the story she relates. It's brilliant. Brilliant and enviable.

Sometimes, out of nowhere...

...in the middle of my day... I get a call from my daughter K...and we talk for three to five minutes. Just a little chat. "Whatcha doing?" she will ask. Or sometimes, "Where are you?" And I tell her. And I ask her how her day is going and tell her how mine is. Then she says, "OK, bye bye, Mom... love ya!"

It's a solid pick-me-up that glistens like a seashell does on a sandy shore of humdrum, banal moments. It also makes me profoundly grateful for the person she is, and doubly glad that I live in this age of mobile phones.

A conversation between a mother and her eight-year-old son

Mother: Do you think you want Mom to stay at home and take care of the two of you?
Son: What do you want?
Mother: That's it. I don't know.
Son: Think about what you want. That's what's important.

Life strategies we tend to forget

• SPELL IT OUT. Regarding what you want or expect from other people - be specific. No one is going to read your mind, after all.
• TALK ABOUT IT. I tend to go a little overboard on this, perhaps because I feel very strongly about it. But talking helps. Pretty much anything can be resolved with a 30 minute conversation.
• WRITE IT DOWN. If it's clear on paper, it will be clear in your mind.
• FIND OUT WHAT THE OTHER PERSON FEELS. We can get very caught up in our own feelings, never once thinking what it's like in another person's shoes
• GIVE IT AWAY. If it's occupied the same place for over a year - you haven't touched it, you don't use it, and you don't need it. Give it to someone who does.
• SAY NO. There's no point in doing something that you don't want to do. If you can't figure out why you're doing it or what good will come of it, then do yourself a favour and just say no.
• MAKE TIME FOR HAPPY. Take time off and do things that will make both you and the people you love happy. Life is short, after all.
• EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS. People don't do this enough - especially when they're feeling good. Tell someone you love, you love them.
• READ. Don't ever stop using those muscles. They were meant to be used and often.
• GET PHYSICAL. Whether it's exercise or lovemaking or doing something really basic like walking from one place to another. Use your body.
  

I saw Gandalf play King Lear

I must give credit where credit is due. The above was a T-shirt line from our friend TS - unfortunately, there was no actual T-shirt with this line. If there were, am pretty sure our little theatre-afficionado troupe last night would have stood in line to buy it. As for the show itself, it was quite absorbing. One of a number of the Bard's works I knew only very loosely - not having read it nor studied it nor seen it, until last night. As the firstborn in a family of three daughters, I had always meant to read it. But the closest I got was Jane Smiley's Thousand Acres which is actually a very different thing indeed, what with the incest and all.

It was surprising though. Always though that Shakespeare explained as well as portrayed human nature - and yet, King Lear does not do that at all. It is actually like a gun that never goes off - in the line, "What force of nature makes such harsh hearts?" Lear asks. And there is no ready answer for it it seems.

And after all that, it is a rather frightening thought - as it is also a frightening story. Positively Greek is perhaps another way to describe it, but also...mythic.

Some neat things about the performance: seeing Ian McKellen of course. But it strikes me that we paid for the wrong play. That we should have seen him doing Chekhov in The Seagull as opposed to Lear. Lear seems to me, too simple a role in its broadstrokes - in the way that Chekhov is not. Not that he wasn't a great King Lear. He was. But of course, my point is, he would be.

The other neat thing was the sets - the production itself.

And how, when Lear's fool was hung just before intermission - his dead body was taken down by the props people, just as members of the audience were standing up to get their refreshments and stretch their legs.

Coolness.

It's amazing

...what one can do just out of sheer will.

The funny thing about writing

The more you do it, the easier it gets. Today sped by like quicksilver, and yet, I managed to finish all my work and leave promptly as well as guiltlessly at six. For this new post I'm at, it's all about volume apparently. Over the past two weeks, I've written six full-length articles as well as a rather challenging six page section on new products for the body. Apart from this, I reworked three pieces from the inhouse staff and three pieces from outside freelancers. I have discharged my editorial duties and now, the special project assignments are about to begin. It's hard not to feel smug and satisfied. But the question remains - how long will it be possible to do this? Unfortunately, only I can answer that...and the answer seems to change with every day that passes.

It was a pleasure to go home early and have nothing hanging over my head though. Instead, I changed and headed to the track for six rounds. It seems running is just like writing - and I know I'm not the first to discover this either. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

The Return of Badminton

I've been missing it so much. And despite my requests on various lists, there were no takers for forming a new group. And every group I do know of is completely full up. So I stuck my neck out and looked, as it were, in my own back yard. The office.

It was easier than I expected. Send an email. Get the numbers. Book the courts and voila! We played for an hour last Friday - and this evening, we played for two hours.

If you build it, they will come.

Flying By

It's a little bit frightening how the days are flying by. Wasn't it just Sunday, and now, here we are again? The kids have read three of the Harry Potter books (I haven't even read one). K is now on book 5 and C is on book 4. I am also the only one in my family not taking Tae Kwon Do. So that makes two things that everyone else has done but I haven't. I did manage to run six times this week and make it in to a Power 1 class, so not all was lost. Work is absorbing. Not just one but two new magazines, and another one in the works - specifically my works.

Wasted a lot of time this week finisheing up the 3rd season of Grey's Anatomy which for me has started getting completely bonga. As JZ says, bobo na, tanga pa. The worst episode was the one with the ferry accident - so many needing medical attention, and the heroine who is now just plain annoying, falls into the water and drowns and needs the entire surgical unit to attend to her. Good grief. I truly regret the time I spent.

Sigh. For a productive tomorrow. Mandarin. Getting into the new house and taking photos and measurements. Prepare for moving out. To look forward to? Badminton on Friday... hopefully, this week goes as quickly as last.

Fitting it all in

Exercise and eating right, especially when it's for the entire family, requires an almost hyper-awareness.

Or maybe, it's just hyper to begin with. Saturday, we got K and C up first thing in the morning, even before breakfast for a run on the track. The kids did two rounds, T did four and I ploughed through my six. But while I did that, they played dodge ball - and kept the movement. Interestingly, we tried something different at our usual Pepperoni pizza haunt dinner, cutting down our usual order to just two linguini vongoles, a salad that everyone shared - and not two but one pizza - with no apparent feelings of the lack. At Estivo, instead of each of us getting one serving, we shared two servings among the four.

Sunday, T didn't have the heart to wake them again - so it was just the two of us, doing the six - before breakfast and before an intensive Mandarin session. And at lunch, instead of parking right where we were going to eat - we parked two malls away - and walked through Raffles City and Citilink to Marina Square for lunch, and then walking back. C even reminded us to take the stairs instead of the escalators so we worked harder. And as all the books advise, we kept dinner light - just soups at the Kopitiam in VeloCity.

Onward ho.

What to do with kids on break

As a kid, I adored summer. I adored having nothing to do. Having the days stretch out endlessly before me. And even on days when the heat and the boredom got to be too much - even on a day that was merely, okay, not bad, not particularly good - just fine - I was glad to go to sleep that night and think of the possibilities of the next day.

These days, parents - and most especially parents who work - struggle to fill their kids summer days. It goes against their grain to think of their kids just whiling time away. And maybe there is a point to piano lessons, tae kwon do and kumon - but not every single hour of every single day needs to be filled to the brim. What parents don't realise, is the more they fill their children's summer days, the more their children will come to them on a day that you left empty on purpose and say the words you dread to hear -"Mom, we're bored."

So what are you going to do? Here's what K aged 9 and C aged 8 have been doing...

• Reading. After reading them the first chapter of the first Harry Potter book out loud - hoping to spend pleasant evenings reading them till we all finished the book together as, I am probably one of the last remaining adults who hasn't read JK Rowling. Guess what? I still am. When I got home from work two days later, they had each finished the book!
• Music. K and C can sing Beatles hits. They enjoy karaoke. And quite recently, we introduced them to Broadway soundtracks. First one song. Than another. Then they listen to the entire show and try to figure out the story, till they know the songs by heart. They started with Wicked. They like Fiddler on the Roof...and are now infatuated by Grease. Next up: Into the Woods.
  
• Technology. With some very basic knowledge K picked up from school on how to use Powerpoint, she taught her brother. Now they sit and make Powerpoint presentions together - mostly about the things they've been doing.
  
• Cooking. They found a recipe for a witches' spell in a book they have. They called me at work to ask me to bring home ..."...these four items...Mom, okay? Bring home, these four items" so they could whip up a magic potion made from fizzy lemonade, sherbet powder and food colouring.

There will be more great discoveries, I'm certain. And while formal lessons and extra curricular activities are all well and good, it's also good to leave some time open - truly open. This ought not time in which they can veg out in front of the TV or play video games, but free time. Real time. Because in real time, they can do..real things.

The way to go...

Here's the way you're supposed to do it. You're supposed to know yourself. And when you know yourself, you will discover what you want. And by the way, it's not enough to know what you don't want - because anyone knows that. You need to know what it is you want to do and what you want out of life. But also...what is it that you want to bring to life, to the people you love, and to the world at large.

And it may be that you have to start from absolute scratch. It may well be that you have to start getting to know yourself all over again.

Plans

It's always can't-go-to-sleep exciting to plot the hows and how-tos of a big plan. Plans are empowering and all personal projects are buouyed beautifully by an energy that seems as vast as the sky. And it is nice how everything else in life at once seems d0-able, manageable, and strangely enough, irresistible... in light of all that you imagine - no, that you plan will come to pass in the not all that faraway future.

Non-sequitur: my kasin J's gift of The Rhythm of Life by Matthew Kelly is surprisingly engaging. It's even made me go out and buy a copy to send home to L and M (why nath?) That's the thing about J. Packaged in rose-coloured sweetness that may seem to strangers like pure sap is an unmistakably steely, glinting coolness.

20 days

There's the flurry of preparing for a holiday - packing, shopping for pasalubong, and of course, clearing away work so that a block of time is created in which you can freely holiday. There's the holiday itself, which is always goes faster and seems shorter than you thought it would be. And finally there's the holiday aftermath - the mulling over of the things that you did and the things that you should have done as well as the new perspective that every trip home gives you. The holiday afermath also involves finally, grappling with the pile of work that accumulated in the time that you were away. All three stages which, in this particular case took the better part of 2o days, can impede even the things you consider important.

Like blogging for instance.

Realisation: It's a wondeful thing to take a trip home - but it's just as wonderful to come back...home.

Countdown to vacation: 10 days

Sometimes...

...you get into a cab and after a minute, you realise something's not quite right with the cabbie. Nothing you can put your finger on. Just something that's not quite right. Something unsettling that you can imagine may quite easily grow into something untoward, unseemly...something that, let's face it, you just don't want any part of.

Then again, you think maybe you're overreacting. Maybe you're wrong. Maybe it's just you and how you tend to be dramatic and jump to conclusions. Maybe...but what if it's not?

Do you get off? Even though you haven't reached your intended destination? Or do you ignore the feeling and hope it passes...because after all, you really do want to get where you want to go?

joke

Two cows are in a field. One says, "Moo."
The other cow says, "Hey - I was going to say that!"

Family Tip: 7 The Shouting Can

T and I strive to be contemporary and progressive in are parenting. The result is we have very raised unique individuals. They have a sense of humor. They feel free to share their point-of-view. In turn, we try to be honest with them. As much as we can, we explain the way things are. They are creative and expressive. Perhaps too expressive. With a flair for the dramatic, which I am afraid they have inherited from their mother. All this is good for the most part, but sometimes, it's not. Sometimes, when such children don't get their way, they go into histrionics - rabble-rousing rage at the top of their voices. And what's particularly discomfitting for parents who believe themselves contemporary and progressive - is hearing echoes of themselves in these temper tantrums.

So this evening, we came up with The Shouting Can. Essentially, we're talking about a receptacle for penalty tithes. Children who are caught shouting in anger or in an uncontrollable rage will (after they have calmed down sufficiently) be asked to give up 20 cents of their own pocket money. Adults will be tithed a dollar.

Yes, I will own: The Shouting Can - is as much for the mother as it is for the children.

JollyBBQ

There's no reason why this shouldn't work - the right location, across from Novena Church - to capture the throngs of yayas and indays looking for a good old Pinoy lunch. At the same time, it's got parking and is fairly close to the Newton MRT for those who don't have the time or the wherewithall to cook their own liempo, pork barbecue or salpicao. Why, when all it costs for a satisfying plate is $4.50? The name is genius - mining the brand recall and equity of the giant at home. And then there's the food itself. The serving of rice is more than generous, if a tad on the moist side. It's true though that I am of the extreme prediliction, preferring rice on the drier, more mabuhaghag side. Also, I found I would have preferred the pusit more inihaw than pusit -- drier -- more like Cafe Ilonggo, all blackened and toasty on the edges. But maybe that's just me. There also ought to be a fish dish - if not danggit or bangus, maybe inihaw na tilapia?

I wish the Atenean entreps more power and great success. It's clear that Pinoy cuisine must work it's way up, rather than down, at least in this particular market - but there's certainly no reason why JollyBBQ shouldn't be phenomenal.

Sunday night blues

The tummy feels nervy. Am not sure how to play this day, nor the next. And am hoping I'll be able to get up for the track. In the meantime, every fibre of my being is saying - can't I just stay home?

I may as well be in fifth grade again.

Where do they get it?

At last Sunday's picnic, I introduced K to M's mother.
K: Hello! (then under her breath almost as if to herself) The resemblance is amazing...

Today, at the Singapore Children's Choir concert, C settled down in his seat, leaned back and closed his eyes. Then he murmured:
C: Music soothes the savage beast...

These kids are just marvelous - and they're mine.

Now, that's a superhero movie

Next with Nicolas Cage, Julianne Moore and Jessica Biel, written by Philip K. Dick is a modern superhero tale, and very much worth its 1 hour and 30 minutes. At once fresh and inventive, the flick is a great casting of Cage - in fact, I can't think of another actor who could have done it as well as he did. Like all superheroes, Cage's Chris Thompson has that slightly tortured, manic look that should, if you think about it, be on all superheroes' faces - if superheroes were real people, that is.
It's also a pretty clever super power, when you think about it...a two minutes' headstart after all has great potential in what can be achieved...

It's been awhile since I've had the pleasures of sheer storytelling alone - but I did during Next. Even before I was halfway through the movie, I wanted to clap my hands. Clearly, it has been too long.

Another loop

I am thrown by...
Why is it that if it isn't one thing, it's another. Why does it seem like other people live placid, pleasant lives in their day to day, where their ebb and flow is regular without these jolts and jerks. Emphasis on the latter. Must treat it like yoga. Breathe through it. Accept it and try to move on...

Speaking of which, next week is the week that I must get to yoga.

Great Books To Read Children aged 7-10

• The Voyages of Dr. Dolittle by Hugh Lofting
• The Story of Dr. Dolittle by Hugh Lofting
  
• Understood Betsy by Dorothy Canfield Fisher
• The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by CS Lewis
• The Magician's Nephew by CS Lewis
• Anne of Green Gables by LM Montgomery
• Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing by Judy Blume
• Superfudge by Judy Blume
  

Raising a girl

When I found out I was pregnant with a girl, the very first thought that occured to me was that I could read her all my favourite books. When K turned nine, I started her off with Understood Betsy by Dorothy Canfield Fisher. And just recently, we finished the Canadian classic LM Montgomery's Anne of Green Gables, which is still just as good as it ever was. We finished the book yesterday, me reading aloud and K oohing and aahing and gasping beside me. And tonight, we're watching the mini-series.

If only it were that easy to find a book to read for to C...

Weird sensation

It started over the weekend, and unfortunately, has continued on to today, possibly to tomorrow. Exhaustion like a pile of rocks. Energy in the negatives. Fatigue that comes from nothing but more fatigue. And not even the strength to do the most elementary of tasks. What is this?

Non-sequitur: got a call from one of my oldest friends over the weekend. It's amazing that despite great distance, gaps in time and psyche...it is still possible to laugh at just precisely those kinds of things you used to laugh at together.

Recollecting that weekend moment was a comfort in all this wretched hormonal weirdness.

Two books

We popped by Page One at Vivo City, and I succumbed to a book purchase - actually two.

I was first acquainted with Jamaica Kincaid's work back in Bowling Green. One of my dearest friends there JM was doing her dissertation on women expatriate writers - Jean Rhys and Jamaica Kincaid. She introduced me to Lucy. Not many people I know like Kincaid - she's rather an acquired taste, apparently, but I did. And I do. When she writes, it's like she doesn't care about what the readers might think - like she is writing to please herself first, and the reader, a distant second. It seems to me that this is a good thing - a freeing thing - to be able to just put it out there - bahala na. And she has a very unusual way of expressing herself - it's both modern and antiquated at the same time.

During the first six months of my marriage, I was living in Ann Arbor, and JM, who was still plugging along on her Phd back in BG, an hour and a half away, called me and said Jamaica was coming to the UofM and we must see her. So we did. We heard her read in the Hopwood Room in Rackham Hall. And it was just wonderful. She was wonderful. It was a wonderful day.

Back in my twenties, I couldn't put my finger on all of this, but now it seems I understand it more - she just goes on her own with sentences that sort of go slowly slowly slowly and then build to so much more than the thought she initially wanted to express. Today I bought Among Flowers: A Wlak in the Himalaya, a memoir about how she and two botanists went seed gathering in the Himalayas.

And the second book? The second book seems like it's going to be a lark An 84-year old woman has written about the best summer of her life back in 1944 in New York. I am hoping that Summer at Tiffany by Marjorie Hart will be just what it promises: easy reading pleasure.

Italian tuna

M called for a picnic tomorrow at Botanic Gardens. Am bringing the ubiquitous cheese sticks...but also lots of triangle sandwiches. For some reason, I've come to see picnic sandwiches as triangle sandwiches, not square. And I'm thinking not about the usual tuna and mayo, but something that I learned about in New York in the early nineties: Italian tuna.

Back then, I was what they call an executive floater - an adminstrative assistant working on the very top floor of 1 Dag Hammerskjold Plaza, I occupied a little corner room the size of a small closet in the office of the President, where I was the second in command, working for a genial man named Spencer P-, whose main secretary, a lovely woman named Judy H- is still the best boss I've ever had in all my 17 jobs - mostly because she was always sending me home. "Go home, there's nothing to do. Enjoy the day". "Go home. It's not rocket science. Do it tomorrow." The words were music to my ears.

My job consisted of doing any typing and correspondence Judy gave me to do. I was also in charge of keeping Mrs. P informed of her husband's daily and weekly itinerary. And then I was in charge of running down to Market Street, the wonderful deli across the street to pick up lunch. I have vivid memories of Mr. P concocting his lunchtime sandwich on the fly, seemingly random and off the top of his head...

"I'll have tuna...with... hmmm....sun-dried tomatoes...maybe a slice of provolone cheese. Oh and onions and some romaine... on a white, no...an Italian roll," he would say. By the time he got to the end, my mouth would be watering. I'd say, "That sounds delicious." He'd say, "Get yourself one , too, Noelle." And then later in the afternoon, I'd receive word to put the whole thing on his expense account. Naks...

When I moved to SMP, I worked for a man named Ed S- and we worked in the Flatiron building. I would also get him his lunch. He was much less imaginative. He always got tuna. And I would get sick of it for him. So one day, I gave him Mr. P's tuna - which I noticed was already premixed in the deli nearby. Italian tuna, it said. Complete with the bits of sun-dried tomatoes although sadly, no provolone.

"My tuna was different today. What was that?" Ed S- asked me.
"Italian tuna." I told him, half-afraid he would scold me for doing the switch.
"Great. Loved it."

So tomorrow, we're going to have Italian tuna... after all, what's not to love?

Kiddie adventures in food

In an effort to get the kids away from their "regulars" of burgers and pizza, we have designated Friday evenings as food adventure night. The idea is on these evenings, we acquaint the children with other cuisines in an effort to broaden their food landscape. In the last few weeks, we have taken them for Turkish food, Japanese food that's not sushi. And last night, Friday, we took them for an Indian dinner. It was quite a ruse, because the kids have been resisting Indian food from the beginning - for reasons we are not quite clear about. So I simply didn't tell them where we were going. When we got there, we ordered according to their likes: fish tikka, butter chicken, dhal, nan bread, white rice and papadums - forgoing the curry and the vindaloo that T and I usually favour.

Today, after the Bishan run, we went to Graffiti Cafe for the Malaysian Pontian wanton mee. If I had to describe it, it's sort of like spaghetti. The noodles are in this tomato based sauce, topped with barbecue char shiew pork, three fried wantons, dark green qing tsai veggies, chicharon and chili with steaming bowl of wanton soup on the side. Yoda from the office introduced me to this, and I had taken T to previously. But I thought the kids might like it. How could they not like $2 pork noodles with fried wanton?

In the end, we asked them to rank which adventures they liked best, in order of preference:

K - Turkish, Japanese, Malaysian wanton mee, Indian
C- Japanese, Turkey, Indian, Malaysian wanton mee

Next week, we take them either to Boat Quay for Nasi Padang on banana leaves. Or to the Waterloo street hawker centre for Nasi Padang. Let the adventure continue...

BishRUN park

You can get a good run at Bishan Park even though you might start out too late in the morning. It can be a sunny morning, but the trees and the green give you a lot of shade, and you can actually make it round the 2.5 km stretch, which takes you winding about green patches, fields, and groves of trees. Yes, even at the scorching hot hour of 10:30. We rented bycicles for K and C, and T and I set off a good deal behind them, zipping away on nothing but sneaker power. The goal was modest - just to keep running without stopping for the entire park. And I would have made it too, except I had to stop to untangle C's bike chains. Next time, we will start out earlier.

Out of the mouths of babes

K: C, don't be so aggressive. Mom, C is being aggresive!
C: I'm not being aggressive; I'm being fun-loving.

A good day

I had worked through lunch in the office for the past four days, so it was nice to be able to step out. Went for Nasi Padang at the hawker centre on Waterloo Street and learned that Nepalese food is just like Nasi Padang, minus the sweet viands and about two times more chili. Then we even had time to go to Ngee Ann for Japanese gelato, which I know doesn't sound good, but it is.

The nicest thing about that spate of eating with the designers in the office is that they keep turning up yummy things to eat. The other day, someone went to get He Mee (Hokkien for prawn noodles) for all of us. It was just two dollars per bowl but boy, was it to die for. Prawns, some greens, noodles and lots of chili. The other specialty of this stall was laksa, but I only eat that once a year. Some amazing people actually had both - he mee to start, and laksa as the main course. Scary.

Left the office at the decent hour of 6:30, and treated myself to a wander-about through the shops of Paragon, while waiting for T. Had forgotten all about Giordano Ladies. But I was sensible and refrained from knee-jerk impulse buys.

Tomorrow the merry-go-round starts again. It's idea-churning time.

Production

In gradeschool, we put out this three page leaflet in dark and heavy newsprint via the cranky old mimeograph machine. It was called The Montessori Voice and I recall being asked to draw directly on the stencil to "fill the white space". As a highschool freshman, I joined and then, we worked with an actual press. But they did all the hard stuff. The typesetting, the blueprints. All we really had to do was proofread, and a literary magazine stuffed with adolescent poetry, 200-word personal essays that we would call short stories and half a dozen illustrations done meticulously with a 1.2 tech pen - this is easy proofreading. In my senior year, I was editor for The Theresian, which we combined with the senior year book. I forget whose brilliant idea that was. But the results, as I recall them, were less than impressive as all the pictures were in black and white, and the press failed to get the contrast. We made dozens of penned corrections on the blueprint - and as an echo of my childhood, I did a small, impromptu illustration to fill up some rather awkward white space.

My one-off freshman year at the University of Michigan exposed me to The Daily. A university paper that actually came out every day - it boggled my mind. How did the editors study? Returning to the Ateneo, I joined the The Guidon. Back then, I was just a writer and I recall feeling tremendously relieved even then that I did not have to do anything but file my story. Yes, one was enough for a rather thin, bimonthly newspaper. Of course, calling it a newspaper was putting it kindly. And production - or rather "press work" - consisted of my merely dropping by to "help" check blueprints - and that consisted of rather cursory proofreading as the entire exercise was merely an occasion to hang out and flirt.

These days, we do production inhouse. We line-edit, copy-edit and manipulate both the texts and the visuals onscreen. Oddly enough, we still encounter the problems of awkward white space but there are any number of ways to address these in the suite of items called design. Because it's all computerised on In Design, a powerful programme devised and customised for the magazine business, there is no longer any typesetting. Instead we copy-edit by cutting and fitting text and controlling its shape on the page. And we give the files directly to the printer in batches of four pages called "signatures". All that's left for them to do is the final art on photos and getting the colours right. The physical shaping of the text - literally the way words and sentences are lined up on the page - that's all done inhouse.

My preference is to imitate the old-fashioned typewriter. I hate right-justified text and the ugly, irregular spaces it causes. Not to mention, I hate the way I have to try to fill those spaces with short words, or rewrite the sentence in such a way that everything fits nicely. What's wrong with the hyphen, I have been known to whine plaintively. Why does the hyphen have to be edited out of existence when it has a real purpose?

And then there are those beastly orphans and widows - the copyeditor's work is all about killing the orphans and widows. I keep forgetting which is which. But there should be no single word at the bottom of any paragraph - there should be at least two words, ideally three. And there should be final line of a paragraph starting a new column leg. Likewise no first line of a paragraph on the last line of a column leg. Who decided these rules, I'd like to know.

The work of a sub-editor is thankless. In the end, nobody is going to care about orphans or widows - they can all go live together in a paper house for all you care. Nobody will see how you magically rewrote an eight word sentence containing three three-syllable words so that it would not cause a blasted orphan or widow. Nobody counts the seconds it took you to copyfit a four page story so that it still offered the essence. And even an error - which will be pointed out to you by many of course, no fear, and for which you will feel badly about for a disproportionately long time - will very quickly pass into oblivion.

But in the late hours of the night, when it's just you and a designer and maybe an obliging writer who offered to help process a seemingly insurmountable amount of pages before the next working day, there is a joyful sense of cameraderie that lends some ease and some much needed hilarity. In fact, there is likely too much hilarity ensuing likely from too much coffee, coca-cola, chocolate, cigarettes because everything seems funny.

But as much as the work is tedious and painstaking, it's also pleasurable in a strange way. There are moments, especially at night, when you feel a kind of brilliance. When all that shoddy overmatter is cleared and spanking new pages emerge, neat as pins and gleaming like jewels.

Of course, it could just be lack of sleep.

Sleeping with the kids

Letting the kids camp in my room while T is away, and my only thought is, Why didn't I do this before?

Bee Gees Night with the Idols

Two good choice songs from Melinda. Only one from Jordin in Run to Me - Woman in Love isn't what I would consider a great Bee Gees song. If I had to pick from the Streisand album, I would have gone with Starting Over but of course, it's a duet. What about Emotion by Samantha Sang? I would have picked (naks, kaps...) Words and How Deep Is Your Love, which I still can't believe nobody sang. That's the all time greatest Bee Gees song.

What would you have chosen?

Prior to flying solo for the week...

...we managed to have a full weekend anyway. Friday night, we scooted home for dinner with K and C - homemade burgers, the can't-be-beat beet coleslaw with lignan oil and lemon, plus oven crisp fries. We hung out with them long enough to find out what happened in school that day and read them a couple of stories, something they still enjoy, although they have long been able to read by themselves. Then we hied off to Vivo City to see Spiderman 3 with the Fs.

Aside: I though Spiderman 3 was terrible, by the way: long and unwieldy and all-over-the-place plotwise. Its flaw lies primarily in the screenplay which felt like a very, very rough draft - actually, it felt like it was being written by the actors as they went along. I felt like the screenwriter was passing off outright telling as characterisation - in fact, it was all telling, no showing at all. Then halfway through, they tried to go campy - and seemed to be striking flat notes all the way through. If you're camp, you're camp - and you have no business going into a moral - unless the moral is also camp. It was surreal. Plus Kristen Dunst - I'm sorry, but I really feel she peaked at Interview with a Vampire. Toby McGuire has fared better, but no great shakes here, either. They even looked like they were floundering. Exasperated and fatigued, I allowed myself to nap - not once but multiple times - and each time, I was like Are we still here? But enough of this rant. Maybe I'm pushing 4o and I'm too old for superheroes. Then again, I loved the X-men.

Saturday morning, T showed us his new digs at One Raffles Place, then we took the MRT to City Hall and ambled through Citilink to Suntec to eat Turkish food - doner lamb kebab and pide bread...taking a nice long amble back. When we finally got home, there was just enough time to get dressed for Catechism and Choir practice for 6pm mass. Choir was lots of fun...and if J and A have anything to do with it, it will be fun for a long time. On the agenda: at least one Pinoy English song from JMM for each mass that we sing. Should be good. Then it was home for calamares cooked two ways - adobo and prito, layguls and fruity agar agar. Lots of episodes from House 3.

Sunday, bright and early, we crammed our vocabulary words for Mandarin, right before Lao Shi appeared. Then lunch at my old haunt Bongout - an eating spot that was hotly contested by the kids, and then later they were pleased by it. K had the pan-fried beef, and C had shoyu ramen with pork and they gobbled it up like greedy goblins. Then there was nothing left but errands at Great World and then home to help T pack, or in my case, whine and mope. He left at 6:30...and we had pizza to cheer ourselves up.

For the week ahead - we're closing, so likely there will be late nights. I'm also letting the kiddies camp in our room, in the hope that I will be able to sleep better. Tomorrow, a girls' night out then dinner with M from Ann Arbor on Tuesday. Mandarin on Thursday and maybe I'll take the kiddies to see a movie Friday night at Great World, if there's something appropriate.

We shall see.

You gotta love em...

Parenthood

The hardest job I've ever had.

May Day

Everyone was game about breakfast out - so after some expected dilly-dallying, we were off for eggs, bacon, rosti and pancakes courtesy of Cedele. Then it was to Borders, to Cross Com, the school bag store at Forum. Then all the way to Marina Square, where K finally settled on the same more affordable school bag that C got. We were home by 12:30, and each went to his or her own puttering. T surfing and prepping for the trip. Me with the paper and Tom Plate's Confessions of an American Media Man, which is surprisingly engaging. C switched on Ninja Turtles and K played Penguin. Must confess that there was a bit of napping taking place, too, at least where T and I were concerned. At 3:30. we had a shamefully late lunch of tuna dressed with lignan oil, onions and sun-dried tomatoes in toasted wholemeal pita pockets, lettuce, pickles, coleslaw with beats, and a lovely bean soup. Then we were off to L for a long awaited massage - while K and C did Kumon in the reading room. When we emerged at six, there was time to toss the frisbee and kick the ball before heading home for baths and bistek dinner.Unfortunately, no exercise, but tomorrow is another day.

The Travelling T

After more than a decade of work in one place with travel taking place, at most, only two or three times a year, T is finding a change of pace in his current job, and by extension, so am I. Contrary to what it might seem, I am very much the ninny, unfortunately, when it comes to temporary marital separations. Apart from the accompanying anxiousness and missing, this is also largely due to the fact that I have an exceedingly difficult time sleeping alone.

But there's nothing to do except make the best of it.

Last week, T had a week-long three city trip through Jakarta, Kuala Lumpur and Bangkok. Next week, it's to be seven days in London. I, on the other hand, have bought Elizabeth Gaskell's Wives & Daughters and am saving Rome and House 3 for next week's daily evening viewing. And it's also closing week at the office. Onward ho.

Italian playboy and bombshell

That was the theme of tonight's party - la dolce vita. It's hard to go bombshell though, when you're pushing 4o and have two kids aged nine and eight, and you don't really want to make any statements, not any that call significant attention to yourself, anyway. I opted to go with a vintage halter top floral dress and strappy red heels. It seemed like the right balance and still, in keeping with the person I am.

That's probably the best thing right now. To keep to the person I am but low-key. Easier said then done, but I am trying.

hmmm

Sunday

Busier than usual with lola and lolo in town for four days. Am relieved that C resisted his all too natural impulses to be obnoxious - which he can be, unfortunately. As a mother, I find it rather difficult not to take these tendencies personally. Guilt is all the more tough to ignore when parents are in the midst. It's ironic how much more difficult and challenging parenting becomes when your own parents are on hand with any number of ready comments. Even the ones that remain unsaid blare out at you as though on dolby sound speakers.

Still, it was a fun visit and even C had moments of ingratiating amiability that made up a little for the bursts of brattiness. K, of course, was the little people pleaser, winsome and winning. Many good meals were had - Spagheddis, Wolf at Brasserie - adults only, Jumbo at Riverwalk and Marina Square food loft. Not to forget Chili con carne at home. I marvel too at the many errands that managed to be done - although we did not get to do any fun outdoor things or even the one indoor thing that I had planned. We should have been to Serenade. We should have made it to the Regent for the Sothebys auction exhibit. But it was not to be. Dentist and ear appointments for Kaylee, catechism, even a run at the track on Saturday afternoon and Saturday evening mass... and then today, the exhausting Chinese lessons, plus all the shopping for this, that and the other. ID pics were taken, school shoes bought along with school bags. Even managed to get Melin to crank up the crockpot for beef stew so we wouldn't be forced to go out to dinner tonight because at this point in my life, though I have the skills and the knowledge, I really can't be bothered to cook myself.

So now, the kids are doing homework and we're puttering around. T is trying to keep awake through K's 14 pages of homework that she had "forgotten" is due tomorrow. Am trying to get enough gump to hit the elliptical trainer for at least half an hour. Contemplating a fast tomorrow for the past few days excesses. Next week, T trips off to London for a criminal three days during which he has managed to book tickets to Wicked...lucky duck.

The bright spot this week? May 1 holiday and a new batch of HOUSE.

Parents' Day

When you live faraway from kith, kin and the closeness and connection of extended family, special occasions tend to centre around special places to eat. Today, I proposed booking a family brunch for four at our favourite Melt (usually reserved for festive occasions like Christmas and Birthdays). Not for May 13 or June 17 for one Sunday right smack in the middle, between Mother's Day and Father's Day, to be known henceforth in my little household as Parents Day. That way, we avoid the crowds and make it all our own.

T thought it was a great idea.

A matter of trust

Why fight the shoe, if it fits and everybody says the pair looks really nice on you, anyway. OK, maybe they're not you're favourite shoes. Maybe you want shoes that make you look taller or thinner or smarter. Maybe you think these shoes can't take you to the places you want to go. Or the places you think you want to go.

But really, are you the best judge of what looks best on you? Maybe, but maybe not. You like these shoes well enough. They're comfortable, and with every step you take, you feel like you're in your element. What's more, these are shoes that allow you access to other accessories, even other shoes, whole new outfits, in fact.

So why not just accept it? Stop struggling. Realise that perhaps what you think cognitively is not exactly in synch with what is right, even what is best, for you at this point in your life.

Maybe the right thing to do is to just take it step by step. Accept the shoes for what they are, for what they allow you do, and not find fault with them because of how you feel they make you look for the long term. What do you know, anyway? You're not always right.

For all you know, they are special shoes, magic shoes, ruby slippers that can click click click you into there's no place like home. And must be worn with trust and acceptance, and hope that even better, more powerful shoes are to come your way.

The way it happens sometimes

By serendipitous circumstance, A's Amazon order arrived at my house. No big deal. We agreed in a rapid exchange of emails that I would open the box, pop the books into an airmail bag and send it off, not to the city in Vietnam in which she and her family will be living for the next three months, three hours away from Saigon, but to her home in upstate New York. So I open the box and am instantly gripped by the first tome called Family Travel - an anthology of personal essays on travelling with people you love. An hour later, I am close to halfway through, and have thoroughly enjoyed most of what I've read. I also realize that I haven't read for my own fun in ages. I will send the books on to their rightful home - but not just yet.

That's just the way it happens, sometimes.

Seems like old times

Reunited 2

Reunited!

Sign we've been here 7 years

"Mom, I think my room needs an upgrade..."
-C

Wednesday

As a schoolchild I used to long for Wednesday. My theory was that weeks tended to slow to a lazy crawl Monday morning till Wednesday noon with a particularly torturous slow meander on Tuesdays at two pm, where I would usually drag myself through whatever I was doing because things were just so excruiciatingly slow. But once you hit midday on a Wednesday it was whoopdiddy whoopee till Friday after school, by far the best part of the week. This week however has sped by amazingly, with very little regard for the particular day.

This week, time is speeding on a freeway and it has not bothered even to pause to consider the day. Maybe it was Studio 60. I'm thankful for the speed though, because T is overseas, and time does tend to get everlasting when he's not around, at least ordinarily. Maybe it had to do with the Rice Pannings and the fun visit we had. But also because Cam is here from Hong Kong, and the usual flurry of socials that whirl up around her has taken place. Monday, after popping in to see the kids, I went for drinks at the Fs, browsing through C's collection (I bought a dress and a top), and then late supper at Que Pasa - love those burgers. Last night I had work to do and T was due to pop in en route from Jakarta to KL. But today, by sheer texting power, managed to wangle the kiddies a playdate with S and the E kids. Drove the whole caboodle including M to the East, and had a great cocktail hour as well. At home now, I'm keeping company with the American idols while doing the puttering for tomorrow. Also I wait for T's call. Tomorrow work stuff...and meetings. Battling a bit of a scratchy throat, but hey, can't stop now...

Sunday tale of K and C

T is off to Jakarta, so I dine at home with the kiddies solo. Since M is not home from "off" yet, I take out the leftover spaghetti and throw together a Greek salad with baby spinach, feta cheese cubes and olives. K is a voracious salad eater, and C loves feta cheese enough that he accepts the deal of eating four leaves per cube. We then gorge on HG ice cream bars which I never buy - except that C begged me to earlier that day.

Due to the busy-ness of this past weekend - friends from out of town, a visit to the lawyer, an eye appointment, a soccer tournament and not just one but two kiddie birthday parties, there was a bit of neglected homework to do.

C gamely attacks his English work - write an 80-word essay based on a sequence of illustrations while making use of as many idioms from another list. I am impressed as I read his first sentence in rather neat-for-him penmanship: "This is a cock and bull story." Cock and bull being #8 in the list of idioms. He writes diligently for about ten minutes, even though sometimes his letters grow and shrink in size. Meanwhile, K delivers an extemporaneous storytelling - writing in her head out loud - telling me the essay she would have wanted to write, if she had C's homework. And her first sentence is, "It was your typical Wednesday afternoon..." and her oral recitation has a beginning, middle, climax and denoument.

Oh my goodness my children are writers! I proudly tell them that. At age 9 and 8 respectively, they are writing what I was writing as a teenager. I praise them to high heaven, but am conscientious about issuing my caveat. "OK," I tell them, "You can always be writers - but make sure you're something else as well." K says she wants to be an architect. Great, I tell her. C says he wants to be a director. OK, I say.

Anything, anything, anything. Just don't be just a writer. Because there are lots of wonderful things to be, as well.

Post Easter Epiphany

What has happened is that I've allowed myself to forget the thing that I really love and want to do with my life. I've allowed myself to forget that I ever even wanted it. And the thing is - the signs keep coming, and I just keep foolishly and thoughtlessly ignoring them. The emails from JB about his STORY magazine. The reminders from Glimmertrain Stories. Running all of a sudden into a huge folder of all that book length work, circa 1990-1992. And now, just that brief conversation with A by the river. It's now as clean, clear and as shiny as the merlion after a rain.

It makes sense to have A come along at this point in my life. If I am, I am. I should remember that, and commit to that, and let the rest fall by the wayside, shouldn't it.

Here it is, isn't it. It's either I act, or I don't act. What's it going to be then?

Crammed full

That's how these days have been - but in a good way - thank goodness. Getting a lot of work done. Keeping the balance of work and workouts and a little bit of play even, thanks to Studio 60 and American Idol. Why, today, I even wrote a story!

And last night, dinner with J after what is it now... 20 years. How can it be 20 years? But I counted and it was. Last time we saw each other was on 2140 Bredefield Street in Ann Arbor. I did not even know T existed. And there we were last night, recognising each other instantly, and talking a mile a minute about everything and all the years gone by. He met K and C and called them "Splendid!".

Tomorrow, it's the BGSU reunion with A and M Rice. But fitness first literally at 7:30am. Then lunch with the sistahmahds at Epibong. Then dinner down by the river, topped off with beer at Brussel Sprouts. TGIF. Here's to a grand weekend that still gives us time for rest.

My fellow televiewers who value smart TV...

Today I went from the green zone to the yellow zone to the gold zone*... and that, by the way, just a few seconds ago. Just saw the opening of the pilot episode of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and it was brilliant. Just brilliant. The kind of brilliant that makes your toes curl and your insides feel warm and fuzzy. Am so happy I have ten episodes to go...

And I got an email from Seth Godin.

So cool.

*By the way, today I learned that gold stays liquid for about 8 seconds before it solidifies. And there is liquid in all of us. And we all have to translate that into nuggets of action. That's what getting in the gold zone means...

An Easter basket full to the brim

Despite being up late watching Mark Whalberg in Shooter at Vivo City last night, T and I were up earlyto bring K and C to the children's Easter mass at 8:15. It was a good idea as the children enjoyed being led out of the church for an age-appropriate sermon - although, it was a layperson saying it, and from what K said, the speaker did not seem to have made a meaningful connection with the kids. But it was good to have an early morning and after mass, we went for Cedele brunch and sailed easily into one of those coveted window booths for our eggs and pancakes. There was still time for leisurely rest at home, during which K and C showed us the beginning of Matilda.
Then it was off to the Ms Easter barbecue luncheon-swimming party-and egg hunt at Leonie Hill. Lots of food - barbecue chicken, grilled fish, lechon kawali and grilled liempo plus spaghetti, cheese sticks, aligue pasta and lots of dessert. Kids and adults alike seemed to havelots of fun, and though it was rained out towards the end, everyone had a good time. And because the kids begged us for extra time with the playmates, we made a day of it with the Ms, the Js and P.

We got home at 5:30, and since M was home, T and I decided to go for a much needed run on the track, even though there was a bit of a drizzle. Party leftovers for dinner plus T's yummy greek salad. And the best part? After six weeks of zero chocolate, I finally indulged in delicious dark chocolate with blueberries and cranberries. Yum yum yum.

Here's to keeping that awareness of the new Easter life that each day brings in the week ahead, and after.

Black Saturday

With T and C off to soccer, thought I would get a chance to sleep in for a change. But no way. K woke me persistently at 7:30, begging to be read Anne of Green Gables. Which I did. We covered three chapters. Amazing how certain parts of that book can so easily bring on the tears. T is reading C Rosemary Sutcliff's Black Ships Before Troy - the story of the Iliad, and the not so little boy is enjoying it. Perhaps not so much as he enjoyed King Arthur. We only stopped when we got hungry for breakfast. Then we had to review for a two hour session of Chinese. But our plans for soccer practice and a run on the track were thwarted by black clouds on black Saturday. All we could do was go for a drive. Tomorrow, Easter mass at 8:15am.

It feels good to just hang at home and do nothing.

A Good Friday

Fasting and quiet time with the children - which was not as quiet as we might have liked. C is going through a testy, difficult stage. K's exemplary behaviour does not help. We saw the entire Jesus Christ Superstar from "What's the Buzz" all the way to end. C skipped the leper scene though K said she was ready for it, and she was. Kids had crab cakes that we didn't have for lunch. At the end of the day we ventured out to buy the Easter stuff and had a light, meatless dinner of fish porridge and century egg at Crystal Jade Kitchen.

Maundy Thursday

It felt strange to go to work today, when at home, it's holiday. And it was very very hot. Sitting at my desk, I actually felt drops of perspiration forming on the surface of my skin as I typed. So in that sense, it felt very much like the Maundy Thursdays of my youth in Manila. When I left the office, there was a breeze, to be sure, but the air was hot and dry like air from a hair dryer.

I managed to attend service solo. It was very festive - it really and truly felt bigger than Christmas. Which of course it is - the whole preparation for Easter. All the priests were out so much that I saw a couple I had never even seen before. But it was long. Too much singing, and as much I hate to say it, it wasn't great. But still. Am glad I went.

Special projects within the next two weeks

• Write Sister B a thank you email
  
• Write a letter updating CelesteS
• Finalise Manila trip dates
• Do the piece for CB
• Prepare a twisted project
• Shop for gifts for L & M, and also for C
  
• Choose the books for rummage sale
• Draft the budget
• Lessons on notetaking for K and C

Reminder: Eat more fruit and vegetables

Body and soul

How strange and how wonderful.

Today I had a session with a woman who very clearly has God in her life. Today, at the beginning of Holy Week, I went to her Body Temple. I learned to take time out for myself. I learned I must do more to live naturally – in what I take into my body. I learned a new facet in the meaning of the word commitment. She runs Body Temple. It is a wonderful, positive place. And as just about the very height of rightness, Body Temple is on Carpenter Street. If people care to stop and take the time, if they don’t hurry and don’t worry and don’t forget to smell the flowers, they will see that He is always there. All we have to do is open our eyes, breathe deeply and take Him in.

Once on this island

Quite by chance, I found out that the La Salle SIA College of Arts was staging our old favourite
Broadway show Once On This Island (Ahrens & Flaherty 1991) which we had seen twice in New York, and twice in Manila. Naturally, I was eager for the opportunity to introduce K and C to the actual production, as opposed to just the music. Back in 2004, when we took them to Bali, we spent the ride from Nusa Dua to Ubud, singing them all the songs and narrating what we could of the book. And of course, once we got home, we let them hear the soundtrack. So for a wonderful $10 per ticket, we took in a Saturday matinee offering quite a professional little troupe with respectable vocal talent. The cast had two Pinoys in it - one playing Ton Ton Julien and the other playing Ezuli beautiful goddess of love. There were also quite a number of Caucasians in it, as well as Malaysians - all in all a nice mix and as I said, in terms of musicality and emotionality, quite strong. The kids enjoyed it immensely, even C who had said previously he didn't care to go. Well, they were both glad they did - though we had to forego Saturday catechism. Luckily, we made it to 6pm anticipated Palm Sunday mass. Kaylee confessed she was going to go for Drama Club next year, as a result.

It's funny that Phantom of the Opera is actually playing in Esplanade, and I'm still hemming and hawing about whether this is something I really want to take them to. Hold the two musicals side by side, and I'd still go for the Island...

What do you do when...

you're really upset with a person, and there's absolutely nothing you can say or do to her/him about it because of the situation. And by the way, when I say upset, I pretty much mean angry. Good old fashioned swear word anger. Yes, I am angry. Read something recently about positive ways to manage anger. I always thought that simply letting go and catharsis was the best thing. Apparently, release actually raises your stress levels. And that it's better to simply walk away. Walk away. Except what happens if you can't walk away? What do you do then?

Dear Celeste

I miss you fairly constantly, as you know. But most especially tonight. And I know that I wasn't the only one either.

Tonight, a number of the FX girls had a Holy Week reflection session with Sister Bubbles. And in that weird, unforeseen, greater-Force-at-work-way, it was exactly the sort of thing we all needed, at this point. Sister B spoke to us about finding our songs - and the way we sing - giving praise, as prayer, connecting both ourselves and the community to Him without words. We all had to go through that exercise of finding ( and singing) the song that expresses both who we are and why we sing. Type ko, type mo rin. For some reason (and am rather embarrassed about this) - emotion got the better part of me and I could barely get through Amy Grant's Arms of Love. AndI adore that song both as prayer and as song! I don't know why but all of a sudden I was suddenly overwhelmed by all the thoughts and memories Sister B was channelling - missing my sisters - M and L (By the way M, sabi ni Sister, You are extraodinary. You are a vessel!), missing you, unexpectedly missing R of Pinoy Lessons in Life and even my old friend from oh so long ago Fr. PP. Strange how things suddenly occur to you like background music - even though I was there - fixed in the moment - thinking of faith and family and feeling that greater spiritual connection. It was an inexplicable out-of-body experience, but it was such that even I, someone who doesn't usually relish the group dynamics and sharing nature of these sorts of exercises, found it somehow easy not just to open up but also to listen. But man, I made myself say that as much as I am aware of what song is doing for worship and praise and the community, I pretty much sing because of how it makes me feel - selfish as that might be.

What would you have sung to explain why you sing and who you are? What would D have sung for that matter? Just to let you know - there was a hodgepodge of songs sung: ABBA's Thank you for the music and the Carpenter's You and Hangad's Hangad and that song from Ice Castles - Looking Through The Eyes Of Love. Sister Bubbles sang Of All The Things. Exactly the sort of exercise I dig. (Another note to K of Lazy Sunday Afternoons - who should have been there - what would have been your song choice?).

Write me when you can, Celeste. A more comprehensive email will be forthcoming in a not so public forum. Need I say I miss you.

Reminder: Go to yoga this week

Check out a new way to watch a DVD

Put on something you haven't seen in at least five years. For us, it was Saturday Night Fever. Then switch on the subtitles for Director's notes. In this case, John Badham's scintillating musings on the making of this classic movie of the 70s. Plus, who doesn't love John Travolta as Tony Manero? Not to mention Yvonne Elliman's fervent If I Can't Have You playing in the opening dance scene. Gritty and real and smart and poignant and funny and wistful all at the same time. You can't get any better than Saturday Night Fever... it's a masterpiece.

Beach time over

A prayer for discipline and strength

We are in that quiet time that is in every sense of the word, "make or break". It is the time when the temptation to slow down and give in to good old fashioned sloth at its most powerful but it is also that time that demands huge quantities of discipline. It is in a way a different kind of stress - but no less urgent, no less pressing. I am reminded of the strong and stunning A, now tearing up the corporate ladder in New York city with the grace and the speed of a wild horse. I recall her drive and her inner presence - her ability to simply push herself and yes, I do envy it. Mine are usually the short bursts of inspiration - powerful but ultimately, temporary. It is the consistent and the constant drive that not only meets the best expectations but eventually surpasses them. Enough. It is time. In order that all may be achieved, once must focus and simply and matter-of-factly... do.

Flashback to Fort Canning Park Sunday Picnic

Weekend inventory

Pizza Friday night and Happy Feet in our room. Saturday morning soccer for C and T - who drove him there. K and I have breakfast and discuss plans for the day. We all have busy work - T on the household files, me with my magazines, K with maths homework and C with Kumon. Lunch of fried fish and picadillo. I drive K to a birthday party and yak yakety yak with people I have not seen in ages. I drive K to catechism at St. Igs where C is already there in his class. I pick up T for various errands and then we rush to 6pm mass. Bring the kids home then join friends at an Indian restaurant in the Esplanade for a birthday dinner, followed by scrumptious dessert at Chocolate Factory where I succesfully avoid chocolate. Home after midnight. Sunday bright and early for waffle breakfast and at 10am, Lao Shi arrives for two hour class. Then rush to dimsum lunch and 2pm Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - during which, to my embarrassment, I fall asleep. Out for coffee and a club sandwich split four ways at Mc Cafe. Then to the bookstore, then to the supermarket, then a drive to check out possible parks in
our future area in November. Then home to dinner of pork chops, mongo soup and steamed asparagus, brown rice and fruit and ice cream for dessert. Then one episode of
The Cosby Show.

Now a deep breath and another week of work will be upon us. Onward ho.

Esquire US April 2007 Swank Cover

At page 156, I hit on the perfect male read - or at least, what I think is the perfect male read - 6 pages by a rather talented writer named Kendall Hamlilton who as an experiment to see whether alcohol is really the great creative lubricant, agrees to accept a series of 6 essay topics from his editor - and to do quick takes on each for no more than an hour and a half, at increasing stages of inebriation - Johnny Walker to be precise.


This was smart, funny magazine writing that was also satisfyingly inventive while at the same time, offering even more for its worth than what it actually set out to achieve. Topic 1 is "Poor Jennifer Aniston? I don't think so. She's the problem. Agree or disagree." Topic 2 is "Starbucks is a metaphor for everting that is wrong with/great about America", Topic 3 is "Morning is the best time to have sex." Topic 4 is Boulder Colorado is the best place to live in America" (This is where Hamilton resides). Topic 5 is "USA today is the best newspaper in the world" and lastly a redux of the Jennifer Aniston topic - at Hamilton's most drunk. The feature also includes the author's post-mortem sober (not hung over) critique notes.

Good fun. And smart. And funny. The Jennifer Aniston topic strikes a personal bell with me as I've blogged about the inappropriateness of her going from Pitt to Vaughn - crazy crazy crazy.
Is this the best kind of magazine reading for men of today? Or is it just me?

Awww no more Friday Night Dates with the Wongs

The difference between then and now

Then - for about ten years, on and off - I lived and breathed women's magazines. My time was ruled by the fashion seasons and I was keenly attuned to the various trends in health and beauty and lifestyle first for women aged 21-35 then for women 25-40. And it was a pleasant life - were mini-skirts in or out? What was going to be the silhouette of spring? The search for a smarter, more accessible method of getting ahead, staying ahead, improving one's, revitalising one's health, losing five, ten, fifteen pounds and the various ways you can do it, powering one's love-aka-sex life, streamlining one's relationships, getting the man, getting over the man, accepting that a man is all well and good, but at the end of the day, your life is about you.

Now I am attempting to plumb alien depths, having learned that simply wading and treading the shallows of testosterone just isn't doing it. You have to go all the way to find those pearls, those gold nuggets, you have to sift through masculine sands and manly mud. So I now flip through pages in magazines that I had previously read only for fiction - GQ, Men's Health, Arena UK, Playboy with frequent forays into non-specific but seemingly male oriented titles - Wallpaper, The Robb Report, and to a certain extent Vanity Fair and now Monocle - which I am enjoying. I now read Vogue only for pleasure. Whereas a Saturday morning will find me diligently reading - not just flipping, mind you - the opinion pages of Esquire. What constitutes the desires of a man, what is his reason for being at this point in human history.

It is all extremely fascinating and occasionally even satisfying and pleasurable, having to try to empathise the mind, soul and body of a man. And yet, and yet, and yet - I am faced with a conclusion that even as deeply as I plunge myself into all of this alpha or non alpha maleness and as much as I credit my ability to empathise... it would all still be an approximation, wouldn't it, now? I mean, at the end of the day - yes, I am wise (but it's wisdom borne of pain. Yes I pay the price, but look how much I gain. If I have to I can do anything. I am strong. I am invincible - but ultimately, I am woman.

Back to the good stuff

Imagine one full 50 minute period where every single part of your body is energised - where your muscles are always flexed, tight at the core. Well, that was what my first yoga core class was like. It was completely a strength session and very addictive. So made it to yoga twice this week. What's more I actually got to see Dr. Theresa for my first accupuncture session in a month, since before Hanoi. She found me extremely blocked right down the meridien. Even the cups actually hurt - and a couple of the needles felt like electricity.

The result? Looking forward to a great night's sleep...

Obsessions, regrets and conversations with the young

I have always had that tendency to allow myself to be completely overtaken by work, even though I am aware of it and try not to give in to it, I find myself succumbing once again. It is not always a good thing though, especially when the work is only a small part of what I really want to do with my life. Is it procrastination? A delaying tactic? A way of fooling myself into believing that what I am doing right now is somehow worthwhile? Should I not just take it easy and cruise and try to fit in the thing that I feel I must do?

Interesting conversation with M at the office today. A young man of 23 at the very beginning of his life, he asked me, a practically 40-year-old woman, what I would do - given the option of starting fresh with a whole new set of years ahead of me. Say if I was 23 again, what would I do. And I said I would be a doctor. A gynecologist - but not just any gynecologist - one with a specialty in internal medicine. He was rather shocked. You wouldn't be writing. I argued - the mistake I made was that I thought that to write, I had to be a writer as an occupation. Not true at all. You can have an occupation, separate from the ability to write. I could have been a banker or a financial analyst or a doctor - and still write.

Coincidentally, yesterday, I spoke to B, also at the office. He is 27 - and already understands what it took me years to realise. So he's going for that finance career - and he will write on the side. Because he can. Then at lunch with M today, age 23 as well, and for the nth time, we talked about what she wanted to be doing. With M however, I sense that she is more sure about what she doesn't want to be doing than what she wants to be doing. Which is so much tougher.

As uncertain as they are, these young people are in enviable positions, I think. So much still ahead of them. So many things that they can yet achieve. Elphaba's refrain runs in my head - "Unlimited. My future is...unlimited."

Back to the practice

Finally, finally. It's been at the back of my mind for so long and the last time I did any was in early February. But today, circumstances fell into place and I was able to make it to the 5:30pm Hot Hour. While I definitely noted rustiness in certain poses, it really did feel wonderful - especially the bow and the tree and triangle. It was nice, too, that Catherine added in a few sun salutations for filip. Hopefully, this kicks off the habit once more.

Back from Bali

A nice little family reunion in Bali - just what the doctor ordered. For two whole days, it was nothing but sun, sand and sea - and save for the sunburn, we are all the better for it. And now we're back, ready to face a new school term, a new week, a new day. On the flight home, I couldn't decide what to watch, and finally settled on Stranger than Fiction. A small film, but one that had real moments of invention, not to mention, real engaging sequences - Dustin Hoffman as the lit crit and theory professor was hugely amusing. The exchange referring to "Little did he know" is really funny for writers, I thought. Tomorrow....life begins again.

Late nights and early mornings

That's what the last few days have been like, due to work. Fortunately, still able to keep all the other balls in my life up in the air. So C forgot his holiday homework - I actually managed to retrieve the worksheets. K had a number of medical appointments, and we managed to get it all done. Today was a colossal coordination act that required the work of all three of the adults in my household, myself, T and Melin. What with K going over to her friend's house in the East Coast, C having an eye appointment, hanging out at the office AND having a playdate visit as well. All that and managed to send out most of the pages this evening. The one thing I forgot? A piece I had to do for swingamahds - which I churned out just now while watching the rerun of American Idol. In between, I listed the Diana Ross songs that I would choose if I were in the contest. Still thinking that it's a toss-up between the slow ballad version (not the disco version) of On the Radio or Touch Me in the Morning. Wow ah. Kapal. As if. But still.

[Related aside to Lazy Sunday Afternoons...ikaw, Kiks, anong Diana Ross ang kakantahin mo, if ever?]

And tomorrow? Gotta get some cardio in to make up for the stress chips and pizza I had at work. Gotta show up at the office and be useful at least till noon. And gotta pack for the family trip to B. Am reminded of Desree's Gotta Be song. Another good one, no?

Listen as the day unfolds...challenge what the future holds...gotta keep your head up to the sky. Lovers they may cause you tears, go ahead release your fears. Stand up and be counted, don't be ashamed to try...

Weekend flicks

Music & Lyrics makes no pretenses about being anything more than what it is. Grant and Barrymore are so very charming, persuading you to overlook the thin conflict and the sloppy cropping - you hoo, we can see the microphone! The best part and what makes it absolutely worth watching? The parody of the 80's MTV with Hugh Grant coiffed all Duran Duran -- guarantees to keep anyone who came of age the 80s in stitches. Pop goes my heart! And then there was 300, a lush portrayal of the final battles of Sparta. Scenes were virtual storyboards and the battles were like ballet - admirably choreographed. Not to mention, it was great to see 300 alpha males in scanty clothing - cut to the six pack. Greek gods...very definitely.

Wierdness

Work is fun, but it's also wierd. In fact, I have to say, it's the wierdest place Ive ever worked. Even the things that are supposed to be sacred, aren't, well, not really. And the particular people who are supposed to do particular things, are doing completely different things. And time moves so excruciatingly slowly. I'm not used to it. It's wierd. Just plain wierd.