On the complexity of friendships with women

From the age of six, I have been mystified by female friendships and it seems that in my life, it's become a pattern for me to be hurt by them, even as I am determined to find and reap their rewards that are exhilerating, yes, but frustratingly few and far between. My bewilderment perserveres to this very day, even though I do continue to have them, and try to nurture and seek nourishment from them. I must admit, however, there are times I feel a very real impulse to give the whole business up all together as simply being too difficult--like losing weight or reorganising home files or getting rid of household clutter for good. (Right now it occurs to me that those three things I mention are easily accomplished by every other woman, so perhaps, I'm just not built that way?).

It always seemed to me that where friendships among women are concerned, there is unwritten handbook containing a system of rules that are not reasonable, sensible, or consistent within the context of what authentic friendship means. That handbook seems to have been encoded into all women at birth, yet mine seems to have some sort of virus. My access to it has apparently been blocked.

Why is it that you can't be completely honest with a good woman friend? Why is it, in fact that you shouldn't be? Why is it that you can't talk about anything and everything with her without a judgement being made or a mind being made up? Can friendship among women be totally and utterly devoid of even the smallest measures of envy, insecurity, and competition? While I found that it can happen, it does only once in the very bluest of moons. And it is, by no means, permanent. Why is it that a friendship with one woman affects your friendships with other women? Why can't each friendship stand separate and alone? Why do women seem to want to foster exclusivity such that some are left out and some are kept in? Why does there seem to be an unwillingness on the part of many women to share their friendships and to be inclusive? Is it perhaps because one of the highlights of friendship for women is talking about other women?

Growing up, I was often made miserable by my friendships with women. I would happily make a connection with someone and enjoy that energy of shared interests and views, only to be unceremoniously ditched the very next day for another somebody, for no reason that I could fathom. I vividly recall trying to reason with them, "Why can't we all be friends together?" It was apparently impossible; in friendships in a child's world, there is that inclination to have it be all or nothing, with no room for anything in between. In the all girls' highschool I attended, there were two modes of friendship--the barkada--where you were one in a gaggle of girls all of whom you were equally close to or rather equally distant to. Or you had the one best friend. Or, if you were lucky, you had the one best friend and you both belonged to the same gaggle. Due in part to my short attention span and to my being hard of hearing, I was inclined to have one-on-one friendships...and had through highschool, the proverbial best friend friendship--which was not without its ups and downs. Any connections I would make with other people would be have to be defined to my best friend as not being as true, valuable or essential as my connection with her.

I still have absolutely no clue why one friendship works and one doesn't. I know that some people get along better with some than with others, but I also know that some people choose their friends for reasons other that person's ability to be a good friend. It doesn't matter to me who my friends are friends with. And while my natural preference would be to be friends with everyone, especially my friends' friends, I am beginning to accept (though I don't understand) that can't always be the case. I am starting to suspect, too, that there have been times that my friendship has been sought for things that I represent or for things I am believed to have, rather than things I actually am. And when things begin to unravel or fall short of expectations, it is perhaps because the base of the friendship was flawed to begin with.

Despite my best intentions to the contrary, it does appear that my friendships with women have lives of their own. They wield a power that goes far beyond what I want or intend; in fact, it may even contradict what I want and intend. Can a woman sincerely wish for her friend and want for her, all the very best things in life, without having that wish take anything away the person she herself is in the world...as a woman? This has been for me and continues to be a lifelong mystery.

What I have found is that if you keep it close, but not gut-wrenching, flesh and blood close, the course of your female friendships can be smooth. But don't cross the protective lines. As one of my male friends said to me, "Very few women can have the kind of all-out 100 percent friendship you want to have."

Unless you can do as Merlin instructed Arthur to do in the Lerner and Loewe musical, Camelot:

How to handle a woman? There's a way said the wise old man. A way known by every woman, since the whole rigmarole began. Do I flatter her, I begged him answer. Do I threaten or cajole or plead? Do I brood or play the game, romancer, said he smiling "No indeed." How to handle a woman? Mark me well, I will tell you so. The way to handle a woman, is to love her. Simply love her. Merely love her. Love her. Just love her."

And if you can't do that? I guess you move on, and keep searching for a girl after your own heart.