...don't play with the boys.
You have to learn to take it. Or at least, learn to give back as good as you get.
They trash-talk, you trash talk. Stop labouring under the severely mistaken notion that these people are your friends.
Just play the game. Play it as hard and as well as you can.
Don't be nicey-nicey. This isn't a gradeshool playground.
And when the nasties strike, detach. Shake it off, and focus.
Don't lose your temper. Don't throw your racket. Don't cry.
Stop being such a girl.
Just play the game.
Or stay out of the kitchen.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
On the complexity of friendships with women
From the age of six, I have been mystified by female friendships and it seems that in my life, it's become a pattern for me to be hurt by them, even as I am determined to find and reap their rewards that are exhilerating, yes, but frustratingly few and far between. My bewilderment perserveres to this very day, even though I do continue to have them, and try to nurture and seek nourishment from them. I must admit, however, there are times I feel a very real impulse to give the whole business up all together as simply being too difficult--like losing weight or reorganising home files or getting rid of household clutter for good. (Right now it occurs to me that those three things I mention are easily accomplished by every other woman, so perhaps, I'm just not built that way?).
It always seemed to me that where friendships among women are concerned, there is unwritten handbook containing a system of rules that are not reasonable, sensible, or consistent within the context of what authentic friendship means. That handbook seems to have been encoded into all women at birth, yet mine seems to have some sort of virus. My access to it has apparently been blocked.
Why is it that you can't be completely honest with a good woman friend? Why is it, in fact that you shouldn't be? Why is it that you can't talk about anything and everything with her without a judgement being made or a mind being made up? Can friendship among women be totally and utterly devoid of even the smallest measures of envy, insecurity, and competition? While I found that it can happen, it does only once in the very bluest of moons. And it is, by no means, permanent. Why is it that a friendship with one woman affects your friendships with other women? Why can't each friendship stand separate and alone? Why do women seem to want to foster exclusivity such that some are left out and some are kept in? Why does there seem to be an unwillingness on the part of many women to share their friendships and to be inclusive? Is it perhaps because one of the highlights of friendship for women is talking about other women?
Growing up, I was often made miserable by my friendships with women. I would happily make a connection with someone and enjoy that energy of shared interests and views, only to be unceremoniously ditched the very next day for another somebody, for no reason that I could fathom. I vividly recall trying to reason with them, "Why can't we all be friends together?" It was apparently impossible; in friendships in a child's world, there is that inclination to have it be all or nothing, with no room for anything in between. In the all girls' highschool I attended, there were two modes of friendship--the barkada--where you were one in a gaggle of girls all of whom you were equally close to or rather equally distant to. Or you had the one best friend. Or, if you were lucky, you had the one best friend and you both belonged to the same gaggle. Due in part to my short attention span and to my being hard of hearing, I was inclined to have one-on-one friendships...and had through highschool, the proverbial best friend friendship--which was not without its ups and downs. Any connections I would make with other people would be have to be defined to my best friend as not being as true, valuable or essential as my connection with her.
I still have absolutely no clue why one friendship works and one doesn't. I know that some people get along better with some than with others, but I also know that some people choose their friends for reasons other that person's ability to be a good friend. It doesn't matter to me who my friends are friends with. And while my natural preference would be to be friends with everyone, especially my friends' friends, I am beginning to accept (though I don't understand) that can't always be the case. I am starting to suspect, too, that there have been times that my friendship has been sought for things that I represent or for things I am believed to have, rather than things I actually am. And when things begin to unravel or fall short of expectations, it is perhaps because the base of the friendship was flawed to begin with.
Despite my best intentions to the contrary, it does appear that my friendships with women have lives of their own. They wield a power that goes far beyond what I want or intend; in fact, it may even contradict what I want and intend. Can a woman sincerely wish for her friend and want for her, all the very best things in life, without having that wish take anything away the person she herself is in the world...as a woman? This has been for me and continues to be a lifelong mystery.
What I have found is that if you keep it close, but not gut-wrenching, flesh and blood close, the course of your female friendships can be smooth. But don't cross the protective lines. As one of my male friends said to me, "Very few women can have the kind of all-out 100 percent friendship you want to have."
Unless you can do as Merlin instructed Arthur to do in the Lerner and Loewe musical, Camelot:
How to handle a woman? There's a way said the wise old man. A way known by every woman, since the whole rigmarole began. Do I flatter her, I begged him answer. Do I threaten or cajole or plead? Do I brood or play the game, romancer, said he smiling "No indeed." How to handle a woman? Mark me well, I will tell you so. The way to handle a woman, is to love her. Simply love her. Merely love her. Love her. Just love her."
And if you can't do that? I guess you move on, and keep searching for a girl after your own heart.
It always seemed to me that where friendships among women are concerned, there is unwritten handbook containing a system of rules that are not reasonable, sensible, or consistent within the context of what authentic friendship means. That handbook seems to have been encoded into all women at birth, yet mine seems to have some sort of virus. My access to it has apparently been blocked.
Why is it that you can't be completely honest with a good woman friend? Why is it, in fact that you shouldn't be? Why is it that you can't talk about anything and everything with her without a judgement being made or a mind being made up? Can friendship among women be totally and utterly devoid of even the smallest measures of envy, insecurity, and competition? While I found that it can happen, it does only once in the very bluest of moons. And it is, by no means, permanent. Why is it that a friendship with one woman affects your friendships with other women? Why can't each friendship stand separate and alone? Why do women seem to want to foster exclusivity such that some are left out and some are kept in? Why does there seem to be an unwillingness on the part of many women to share their friendships and to be inclusive? Is it perhaps because one of the highlights of friendship for women is talking about other women?
Growing up, I was often made miserable by my friendships with women. I would happily make a connection with someone and enjoy that energy of shared interests and views, only to be unceremoniously ditched the very next day for another somebody, for no reason that I could fathom. I vividly recall trying to reason with them, "Why can't we all be friends together?" It was apparently impossible; in friendships in a child's world, there is that inclination to have it be all or nothing, with no room for anything in between. In the all girls' highschool I attended, there were two modes of friendship--the barkada--where you were one in a gaggle of girls all of whom you were equally close to or rather equally distant to. Or you had the one best friend. Or, if you were lucky, you had the one best friend and you both belonged to the same gaggle. Due in part to my short attention span and to my being hard of hearing, I was inclined to have one-on-one friendships...and had through highschool, the proverbial best friend friendship--which was not without its ups and downs. Any connections I would make with other people would be have to be defined to my best friend as not being as true, valuable or essential as my connection with her.
I still have absolutely no clue why one friendship works and one doesn't. I know that some people get along better with some than with others, but I also know that some people choose their friends for reasons other that person's ability to be a good friend. It doesn't matter to me who my friends are friends with. And while my natural preference would be to be friends with everyone, especially my friends' friends, I am beginning to accept (though I don't understand) that can't always be the case. I am starting to suspect, too, that there have been times that my friendship has been sought for things that I represent or for things I am believed to have, rather than things I actually am. And when things begin to unravel or fall short of expectations, it is perhaps because the base of the friendship was flawed to begin with.
Despite my best intentions to the contrary, it does appear that my friendships with women have lives of their own. They wield a power that goes far beyond what I want or intend; in fact, it may even contradict what I want and intend. Can a woman sincerely wish for her friend and want for her, all the very best things in life, without having that wish take anything away the person she herself is in the world...as a woman? This has been for me and continues to be a lifelong mystery.
What I have found is that if you keep it close, but not gut-wrenching, flesh and blood close, the course of your female friendships can be smooth. But don't cross the protective lines. As one of my male friends said to me, "Very few women can have the kind of all-out 100 percent friendship you want to have."
Unless you can do as Merlin instructed Arthur to do in the Lerner and Loewe musical, Camelot:
How to handle a woman? There's a way said the wise old man. A way known by every woman, since the whole rigmarole began. Do I flatter her, I begged him answer. Do I threaten or cajole or plead? Do I brood or play the game, romancer, said he smiling "No indeed." How to handle a woman? Mark me well, I will tell you so. The way to handle a woman, is to love her. Simply love her. Merely love her. Love her. Just love her."
And if you can't do that? I guess you move on, and keep searching for a girl after your own heart.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
The corporate exit phenomenon
You've turned in your resignation letter. You're ready for a brand new start. And then, your supervisor asks you, as a personal favor, to stay on for a specified period of time. It could be two more weeks. It could be two more months. Part of you may be thinking, what the hell. You may be thinking, why burn bridges? Who will it hurt if you stay longer, anyway? Clearly, you are not aware of the corporate exit phenomenon.
This is the dynamic.
Stay longer, and you will only be hurting yourself in the long run. More time at this job (one that you've already decided you don't want!) means more possibilities for you to screw up in some way. And even though you mean to continue doing your best, the psychic effect of knowing that you'll be leaving eventually could well work against you, causing you to be careless even though you never intended to be.
Stay longer and you will see that the psychic effect of knowing you are leaving is also affecting your colleagues. Unconsciously, they will treat you as though you are no longer there. Or worse, they may resent you're eventual departure and try to offset this by getting you to do last favors for them.
Stay longer and your own supervisor will very likely try to pile things on upon you, holding you to your promise of work at the highest level, squeezing you of every last drop of work you can muster, all because he or she can.
Stay longer, and by the end of that specified extension period, you may find yourself liking everyone just a little bit less. They may well be liking you less, too. You will have expended whatever goodwill you might have enjoyed had you left shortly after tendering. It is also likely that the whole experience will leave a bad taste in your mouth. And rather than have pleasant memories of the good times you had, the entire time will be coloured negatively by that final period of finishing things off.
At all costs, avoid the corporate exit phenomenon. Make a clean break. Do yourself a favor. Take your leave...and just leave. Not only is it the best thing to do, it's the right thing to do.
This is the dynamic.
Stay longer, and you will only be hurting yourself in the long run. More time at this job (one that you've already decided you don't want!) means more possibilities for you to screw up in some way. And even though you mean to continue doing your best, the psychic effect of knowing that you'll be leaving eventually could well work against you, causing you to be careless even though you never intended to be.
Stay longer and you will see that the psychic effect of knowing you are leaving is also affecting your colleagues. Unconsciously, they will treat you as though you are no longer there. Or worse, they may resent you're eventual departure and try to offset this by getting you to do last favors for them.
Stay longer and your own supervisor will very likely try to pile things on upon you, holding you to your promise of work at the highest level, squeezing you of every last drop of work you can muster, all because he or she can.
Stay longer, and by the end of that specified extension period, you may find yourself liking everyone just a little bit less. They may well be liking you less, too. You will have expended whatever goodwill you might have enjoyed had you left shortly after tendering. It is also likely that the whole experience will leave a bad taste in your mouth. And rather than have pleasant memories of the good times you had, the entire time will be coloured negatively by that final period of finishing things off.
At all costs, avoid the corporate exit phenomenon. Make a clean break. Do yourself a favor. Take your leave...and just leave. Not only is it the best thing to do, it's the right thing to do.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Trip of the moment
While I've always loved strong female vocals, recently my preferences have taken a rather odd turn. It started maybe a month ago when I walked into That CD Shop in Great World City. A woman with a voice as sweet as honey and English lightly accented, sang The Bee Gees'"Staying Alive" to the mildest of bossa nova beats. I know that description can hardly be appealing, but the reality of it drew me to the salesgirl to ask what was playing. She told me about Eldissa--three Brazilian lasses who did covers as well as a couple of their own tunes. When I asked her to play more, she fast-forwarded to Irene Cara's "Fame", Anita Ward's "Ring My Bell", Lipps' "Funky Town", Abba's "Gimme,Gimme,Gimme", Michael Jackson's "Rock With You", The Village Poeple's "Go West" And Barry Manilow's "Could It Be Magic", among others. Baduy na kung baduy. And yet it isn't. In fact, it's pretty cool, actually. Listening to Eldissa is like experiencing a series of emotional epiphanies about long ago times, for these are old songs sung like new. Who could have ever imagined that "Go West" could sound so cool?
And then, while browsing at a Hong Kong bookstore, I noted the soundtrack and inquired what it was. A Japanese femme named Noon was singing Frank Sinatra, strong vocals and again, an accent that was startlingly, impossibly attractive. What's up with that? Noon is kitschy cool. When I got back to Singapore, I dropped by Gramophone and picked up Noon's Better Than Anything. Now I'm addicted to that cosmopolitan Tokyo air in "Moon River", "One Note Samba", "It Had To Be You", "Call Me", "Danke Schoen" and others.
There's a whole lot of Diana Kralling going on; and everything is starting to sound alike to me. How marvelous that there are these voices from other worlds, singing the standards in extraordinary ways and giving the old songs their own inimitable flavour. I am so tripping.
And then, while browsing at a Hong Kong bookstore, I noted the soundtrack and inquired what it was. A Japanese femme named Noon was singing Frank Sinatra, strong vocals and again, an accent that was startlingly, impossibly attractive. What's up with that? Noon is kitschy cool. When I got back to Singapore, I dropped by Gramophone and picked up Noon's Better Than Anything. Now I'm addicted to that cosmopolitan Tokyo air in "Moon River", "One Note Samba", "It Had To Be You", "Call Me", "Danke Schoen" and others.
There's a whole lot of Diana Kralling going on; and everything is starting to sound alike to me. How marvelous that there are these voices from other worlds, singing the standards in extraordinary ways and giving the old songs their own inimitable flavour. I am so tripping.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
In between two jobs
In a couple of weeks, I'll be starting my fifth job in five years. It's not something I'm particularly proud of, but then again, that's the way it is. I am pretty much resigned to the fact that I'm not a Human Resources dream. After all, I've held some fifteen jobs in my life--as a fastfood worker, a secretary, an editorial assistant in a book publishing company, a copywriter, an editor, a trade journalist, a loyalty writer and even a bookstore worker. As I tell prospective employers, I'm a bad bet. I have two kids; I write fiction in my spare time, and my cv shows I've never stayed more than one year in one place.
I know my life so well that this little interlude, this pocket of time in between the job I left and the job I will have has become dearly familiar. It's never more than a couple of weeks, and yet, I've come to look for it--even welcome it. I think it's the nothing and nowhereness that I love, just as much as I relish the potential of it. How I can do anything, make anything happen.
Big things can happen as well as small things. It's a time for new beginnings, resolutions, journal entrees, making lists of what to do and what not to do. It's about resting and gathering strength. It's about enjoying empty hours that are mine to fill ... or not to fill. I could write a short story. Get a massage. Go out and have a solitary lunch by the river. Hunt down ingredients for dishes I want to cook. Clean out my closet. Take my kids to the park.
Maybe that's what I'll do tomorrow. Then again, maybe not.
I know my life so well that this little interlude, this pocket of time in between the job I left and the job I will have has become dearly familiar. It's never more than a couple of weeks, and yet, I've come to look for it--even welcome it. I think it's the nothing and nowhereness that I love, just as much as I relish the potential of it. How I can do anything, make anything happen.
Big things can happen as well as small things. It's a time for new beginnings, resolutions, journal entrees, making lists of what to do and what not to do. It's about resting and gathering strength. It's about enjoying empty hours that are mine to fill ... or not to fill. I could write a short story. Get a massage. Go out and have a solitary lunch by the river. Hunt down ingredients for dishes I want to cook. Clean out my closet. Take my kids to the park.
Maybe that's what I'll do tomorrow. Then again, maybe not.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Kids on break
So what are you going to do about it?
Reminder: Buy fruit
Likewise, Quintosians rule
on with family business
FLASHBACK MANILA
Isang Sandali
Sisterhood rules
Here's to being the best we can be!
Apparently, this is me. Now which card are you?
You are The Wheel of Fortune
Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of intoxication with success
The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.